Some kind of a Christmas

We'll not be celebrating Christmas this year too.  Mom is running off to malaysia, brother is working, and i got time in my hands.. so.. i'll be cooking something for my birthday instead.  i know I'm not supposed to celebrate it.. but I'm not celebrating my birthday.. I'm just going to cook to relive stress.  I was supposed to disappear during that day but as usual, plans changed since my salary this month didn't fit my budget. So me drinking my heart out and looking for reasons not to live will be postponed for another month.  See how ironic life is? heheh... anyway.. my menu for birthday will be my classic spaghetti recipe. here are the ingredients! ( I will post pictures and update)

Mighty Protein Spaghetti (protein because of all the meat!) ^_^

(the amount of ingredients vary according to your linking)

1 kilo pasta (either penne or the classic noodles wheat or regular)

corned beef

sliced hotdogs

sliced mushrooms

1/2-1 kilo ground beef (or pork if you like) 

         you can use the half for meatballs

minced onions

minced garlic

spiced ham (cut in squares)

liver spread

1 box all purpose cream

spaghetti sauce (italian and sweet)

meat sauce (with mushrooms)

minced bell pepper (optional)

garnish

*maybe served with garlic sticks, garlic bread, or toasted bruschetta

Onion rings

(this I got from a very wonderful website)

 http://foodwishes.blogspot.com/2010/05/can-i-get-onion-rings-instead-of-fries.html

just follow all instructions there.

cornstarch

all purpose flour

cayenne (i dont know if i will add this)

instant mashed potatoes

japanese breadcrumbs

water or milk (my version)

Sinful fruit salad

(why? with all the all-purpose cream and condensed milk i put in there my TRX abs will disappear!)

1 can fruit cocktail

1 pack nata de coco

1 pack kaong

1 bar cheese cut into small squares

1 can pineapple chunks

1 can corn kernel

1 pack raisins

peanuts (optional)

2 boxes of all purpose cream

1/2 can of condensed milk

I am not sure if i will set this as a topping for a graham ref cake.. heheh.. that depends upon the budget.

Anyway.. i will try my very best not to cry again on my birthday because of disappointments.  If i cant do anything about it.. I'll buy some shoes at Primadonna! 

Naughty... naughty... naughty...

I did something today that i though i will never do in my entire life and its the first time I've done it too.  I also solemnly told myself that I will never be one of those people who exposed themselves in all glory.  Yes, I always envied their freedom and their security and able to be shameless once in a while.

So i did the unthinkable (well unthinkable for me..hehehe) i took everything off and pose nude. I took several pictures.. of course its not the best and the artistic kind of shot but just a regular one and  see if I am comfortable with my body.  The experience is quite freeing.. made me feel desirable and powerful.  i didnt think twice to shoot all angles I wanted.  Of course these photos are not for all of you to see.  Once I stopped shooting i deleted everything too.  I dont want that my mom will accidentally see it. Much more other people.

hhahaha

Definitely.. I should do this more often.. My, my. .. I feel great!

New week ahead

Today is a start of a very hectic week.. I have to work double time to have extra cash so I can have enough budget for my trip on January.  i might not be able to work as much as I would want but I'am looking forward for a long vacation.  I have only few people now in my Christmas checklist planned.  Last year i got everybody on the list, now since I'm keeping things to myself and been secluded for a very long time.. I was hoping that people wont notice that I am missing and no gifts are at their door.. hehehe.. 

I am out of budget especially with the new rule to be implemented inside our house.  We have to pay for the house bills equally.  With what I have right now as a salary.. I don't have enough for savings.  And there's nothing I can do but to work overtime again. reach 70 hours per week for the succeeding weeks just enough to  have a budget for my daily supplements. (i know im getting bitter again so i wont go ranting about it.)

Anyway.. this week will compose of;

• Powertec task (will try to achieve 70 hours)
• Designs for Zahir
• Natalie's wedding album
• I will have a daily walk with kirara...(will provide pictures later)
• Will buy:

1. Christmas Gifts (mama. choi, lola, james, yana)
2. Fat burner (will try lipo 6 black hers just 10 capsules for a week trial)
3. Prunes
4. Grape juice
5. Grape seed

day off

im taking the dayboff but will work later.. catched up some DvDs so i can take a break.. im craving for onion kropek/crackers... will buy some later... im craving..:(

Day 7: further disappointments

Its been a week and as usual I was not given a chance to even have a week just for me.. it always have to be about somebody else.  Caught between your parent's loveless marriage is not a very good spot for me.  I always end up being the go to party.

Partly I guess it was my fault.  i haven't kept my mouth shut.  I know I am living at her house so my loyalty should be on hers.  The thing is I don't have very much loyalty on both.  My father wants me to take care of him because as he said "You are all old enough and you have to work, so my obligation to you is done and you have to take care of me instead" he is so used to being single that for 25 years, he only changed his status to married this year.

My mom will always play the pity card and deny that she needs  pity.  I am caught in between.  They don't talk anymore so they talk through me.My father doesn't trust my mom about the family expenses and thinking mom is just spending the money on her own luxury, (especially when he sees my mom's personal bag and shoes collection.  My father is one big to talk when he only send 20% of his salary to us and spend it to his car, and other electronic gadgets.

My brother is pissed because my mother is hurt, my father doubt us, my father thinks that we just spend the money he sent to some luxury.  my father is still bitter that my brother and my mom went to Hongkong last year and my mom spent 2 weeks in Singapore and Malaysia. My father has been working for 28 years in Riyadh but haven't saved a single cent.  the packages he sent as gift when he goes home are from company freebies.

And when he is home, he will not spend a single cent for his kids. he is expecting for us to spend on him instead.

I know my family is not perfect and my father have this idealistic picture that we are going to be a one whole big and happy family. But the truth of the matter is that we are not.  My mom is angry because i reprimanded her and tell her that partly it was her fault.  i forgot that I should never do that ever.  she thinks she is always right. Too much pride in our family, I wonder why we haven't started killing each other.

And you are wondering why i am built this way? Why i am disappointed with life, friends and family?   i wonder how I keep it together.  Everybody disappoints one way or another. Its always be and have been.

Day 6: Determined

Its Friday madness.. so i just listen times to the 90's jam while I'm prepping myself for work.  I decided make it  5 days a week gym and TRX.  Its better if I blow off steam there to be productive and not mope around.  i have to keep myself busy especially when I'm at home just a few breaks and I will work my ass off.  At least I will be earning twice as much especially its the holidays.  And I'm not sure if i will have a bonus from my boss.

My birthday is coming up soon. Mom asked me about my plans.. I told her that I want to disappear for a while.  She just replied " sometimes its sad that you don't have a boyfriend"  ... i just fell silent.  of course she doesn't know.. I'm not dumb enough to tell her that "I dont have a boyfriend mom but as of the moment I'm having a hard time and that is far from what I want right now.  I can t even handle the friends with benefits thing, i wont be able to handle a real relationship now.  i dont know if i will be able to invest my feelings again"

With that, it makes me even more determine to keep up and be fit.  Like they say, the best revenge is to make them regret it what they lost.  Everyday.. Im motivating myself to smile.  I haven't smiled for real in a while.  Sometimes I forgot how to feel that genuine happiness.  that automatic smile plastered across my face fools me like everyone.

Motivated and determined to reach my goal.  I dont want to gain weight with all these depression stuff.. i've been stopping myself from eating chocolates.. i ate 3 bars yesterday.. and 3 packs of m&ms a day before that. And this is not healthy.. i dont want to be 145lbs again.  i had worked hard to reach 98lbs and plateaued at 110.  maybe 115 lbs right now.. but still I want to have a tight abs. and its a challenge because its the holidays! Food is here!! ^_^..

see. im trying to be amusing here.. find a reason to smile.. depression is eating me up and i want to get rid of it.

Do for now i will be busy with this.. =D

i love to burn it!  the only exercise I love to do!
Almost one and a half month plus more to go!

Stumbled

I got these pics from a cool blog.. got inspired by the images she posted.. and I wanted to post them here too. :) (http://littlefaeriegirl.blogspot.com/)

sometimes it only takes a few words to comfort a broken heart

Adele: Turning Tables

Close enough to start a war

All that I have is on the floor

God only knows what we're fighting for

All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me

No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me

I can't give you, what you think you give me

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh

Where love is lost, your ghost is found

I braved a hundred storms to leave you

As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no

I won't ask you, you to just desert me

I can't give you, what you think you give me

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Turning tables

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior

When the thunder calls for me

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior

Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no

I won't ask you, you to just desert me

I can't give you, what you think you give me

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

To turning tables

Turning tables, yeah

Turning ohh

Christina Perri : Jar of Hearts

No I can’t take one more step towards you

Cause all that’s waiting is regret

And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don’t come back for me

Who do you think you are

I hear your asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don’t come back for me

Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I would have missed the first time that we kissed

Cause you broke all your promises

And now your back

You don’t get to get me back

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don’t come back for me

Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are

Day 5: contemplating and I am weak

I was awaken by the sound of my phone.  As a habit I usually place it beside my pillow.  I don't usually hear it buzz when ever I get a message, i just automatically reach for it knowing that I have a pending message unread.  For 3 days I received none and today there is one message from a sender that i don't know whether i should reply or not. You probably know the answer from the title.

I had contemplated for several minutes if I should or shouldn't reply.

I talked to mom yesterday about it.  She knew something was wrong for several days now and she doesn't want to ask me about it since she is preoccupied with her problems too.  I asked for an advice.  she told me if we are completely friends, its okay that we experience a rough spot.  if i was really a friend, i should act like one and not count why he didnt did this to me and we didnt do that.  It all boils down to me on what kind of a friend I am.  I have been disappointed by friends before, should I act the same? Should I not be there for him just because he wasnt there for me too?  My mom asked a pretty good damn question!  if you consider each other friend and they act like jerks to you would you do the same?

It got me thinking, what kind of a friend am i? Ive said before that i will never let anybody feel they way I felt with my friends.  i dont want to be a disappointment, but it made me wonder too why i dont have the best best friend? The one that most people have, your confidant.  Maybe I was making things difficult? Maybe I was the one with the problem,  i got 2 friends from college and we've been always close but at the same time I feel like the third wheel.  i was never included and always the second choice. They said "sometimes being friends with me made them feel like they are indebted to me." What the fuck does that mean?  i stopped talking to them this year.  maybe once in a while but I stopped talking to friends and people I know.

 it feels like year 2000 again.  2 years Ii hid myself from everybody i know.  i go to school, but they hardly see me.  I changed my schedule and completely avoided any social contact.  I took the afternoons off so i can go home and watch DVDs only to return it the next day.  I got a lot of coupons from that store.  And this year, im almost at my 6th month avoiding people.

Anyway I know why he text me on the 4th day.  he only said he is now cured from tantrums and we could be friends again.  The same question burned in my head "What kind of a friend am I?" I am the jealous type. I want what is mine will only be mine.  Every time i see that bracelet i want to tear his fucking head off! an I want this pain in me to stop.  Am i gonna be the same kind of friend he is?  i have to set my boundaries when it comes to him.

i am weak. i replied. but it will never be the same.  i am a tainted glass, scared and numb.  I now know where i should be in his life. and I'm going to live mine apart from him.  If he needs  a friend, then ok.. I am that friend he needs, but no more benefits. Unless he would take that bracelet off. That bracelet will be my constant reminder that i need to say "NO".  i will be there when he needs me,  that is the kind of friend I am, but i will look for my comfort else where. i will find a different friend for me who is willing to share all the same things with me and laugh about it when i mess up. he or she might be out there. who knows.

But I am still trying to move on and daily picking up the pieces.  at least now on day 5 i have found some meaning on how i can push myself apart from these so-called "my friends."

Day 4: Missing You

Disappointed? with myself?  Yes.  I wanted another outcome from what i did yesterday.  I guess its too much to hope for, but I knew that it would turn out this way.  i know how his head works and sad to say I was expecting a little bit more than that.  Today is another long day.  No matter how I try to busy myself with work so I don't want to think about him, hide my phone, watch DVDs to keep my mind off things, but nothing is working.  Once in a while I found myself crying out of the blue. And i know this is getting way too pathetic.

What can i do? I love the guy.. unfortunately he didn't feel the dame.. i have the right to wallow at least for a week before picking up the pieces.  Its easy to say that he's not worth it. He doesn't care about you as much but he was once worth it, and he did care sincerely. I've seen who he was, not this over vainly guy who is getting way over his head and will only talk to me when he feels like it.  

I know while you're reading this, you're saying.. wake up! you're delusional.. men are all the same. He is not worth all of you. he doesn't even deserve you so why shed the tears, why long for him to come home? Why? Don't you think I ask the same questions? Don't you think i constantly ask myself why I was not enough?

But I don't know the answer.  I've been asking myself over and over again and I know I deserve better.. i knew better..and i will be alright. but its easier said than done.

I feel I'm ripping apart.  I can still smell his perfume, i know how he laughs, I can still picture it in my head.  I still remember those times when we;ll just do a joyride with only little money in our pockets.  When were only happy with the little things we had. Ride a bus for two hours just to buy fish-ball at the last bus stop.  The times where we just talk until the wee hours of the morning.  Those memories are not easy to erase.  

What I miss the most is our friendship. NOT the Lover kind.  The one where we used to tell each other everything without judgement.  I miss that friend who I spend the time talking at the side of the road even though 3 hours after I will report at work.  i miss that friend who was willing to listen to me.. my friend who was fun and made me smile, the one who made me feel that its okay to be different.  its okay to be weird.  its okay that i don't get things sometimes and we'll just laugh about it.  that friend and not the lover.

But then again that's too much to ask..

its kinda hard when you're all alone with no one to support you because basically no one knows what you're going through. You're so-called friends don't have any clue or even the ones you live with, your family thought everything is alright.  I was thinking.. it would be a poetic justice if Im gone during my birthday.  Everybody will be happy.

Day 3: Motivated

This morning i decided to end it all.  Damn all consequences, I will not waver from my decision and end it even if it means I will lose everything.  But come to think of it I already lost everything, whats a little bit more.  The first thing I wanted back was to gain control.  i sent a text in the wee hours of the morning knowing that is the first thing he will read when he wakes up.  I know about all the cliche's breaking up using text but were not breaking up.. were not even in a relationship.  It was just a symbol of me taking charge of what I really wanted.  

Freedom

Freedom from everything.  I got a lot in my mind and giving him a piece of that was a big step for me.  the fact that he knows for sure that i wont be able to say no and I wont be able to say goodbye is something he doesn't expect. I need to do what needs to be done.  Were friends with benefits and i don't even get any benefits for that matter.  So why I held on after all this time? I fell. Hard. Foolishly. Blindly.

And everything was so easy.. I thought I was happy then it begin toiling down to a burden.  I knew it from the start.  I was just foolish enough to risk it even though I knew in the end I will end up in the loosing end.

So I refuse to be the loosing end.  If he doesn't appreciate me and everything I did was not even remotely enough for him them then I will convince myself that it is his loss.  He had everything going in good on him. I was there when he was down when no one wanted him because he had no money, his friends left him, he had no job, he was a mess.  But like a lost puppy I gave in, accepted him for who he is and help him pick up the pieces until he became on top of his game.  But people can be blinded with the little success they have.  he can choose now whoever he wanted and they will be on their knees for him. Then I was out of the picture.  so much for that!

I am now motivated to free myself from this misery. 1 year, although not every moment of it was hell.  After 3 months we sadly went cold and i should have known, from that moment on we went downhill and i was just too foolish to pick it up even though there was no way to go but down.

i am planning to take a vacation.  Once I saved up enough money I can go for a 3 days trip alone in a place where no one knew me. maybe a beach maybe a resort, far away from here. Drink wine, read a book, lose myself from all that is anchoring me down.  Have a different number, no cellphones, if i can no work too. just me a beach or a pool a book, my laptop and a time  for me.

I'm intensifying my workout at the gym. instead of just TRX, every Tuesday and Thursday I can have a 2 hours cardio-vascular  exercise, or walk my dog.  I'm gonna make sure that if ever we will see each other again he will regret it.  I'm taking back all the luck that I had with with when we are together.  I'm taking everything.. one by one.. i'll probably start from the job.. lets see how he can pick up the pieces.

I know its bitchy and pathetic..but in fact i don't have to do anything at all. i will just have to wait patiently.

Day 2 of misery: keeping up faces

Sadly i woke up again and as usual I grovel with the pain first, convince myself that its not worth it then convince myself to get off the bed and get busy with work.  It sucks to make a pretend face just so people know you're okay when you're definitely not.  Keeping up appearances is tiring, but why i do it? Pride.  I font want to let people know I am a foolish woman who should know better. Plus They will all think its a drama, that i'm just seeking attention and I'm just pining for no reason.  It will take much of their time for they have better things to do than listen to me sob and spurting words of pity to myself.  They got their problems too.. so much for friendship huh.. well.. the jokes on me.  I placed the bar up high and im sure one way or another I would get disappointed, but do i learn from my mistakes? You all know the answer to that..

I was weak yesterday and answered the text.  I said I will not answer, let him wonder.. (yeah piwi.. create more drama) but im still too weak and answered the stupid question "is it raining there?" (it kinda happened that way when you got no support) anyway... exchanging stupid worthless chit-chat.. a couple more text and I got that same old feeling again of wanting more.  I hid my phone.  Wont it just be too easy to change numbers so i wont be able to receive any calls or text right? But I'm not there yet.  im still wallowing and I wanted to be a bigger person, mature enough no to change the number and appear strong.  I can move on without doing drastic measures. I am still in  denial.

Its gonna be another long day.. i will work for about 2-3 hours today and go spend some hard earned cash to buy clothes and a few DVDs so I can stay up at night during work then sleep the day off.  I don't have any TRX today so walking around in circles and shopping would give me a great exercise to get my mind off things.  I usually do this with a friend, but they are no where to be found right now.. and plus going through this alone will be therapeutic.. the only thing I am looking forward to this experience is that I will loose weight fast.  But since no one knows what I am going through this.. lets give the credits to TRX

all is well, isn't it my dear..

It sucks when you can hear your heart breaking into several pieces.  About the time you decided to try it out, jumping in head first saying "to hell with it" and risk it blindly, you'll get to realized that what you feared all along will feel like a hard slab of cold meet from the freezer hitting your face.  It was numbing, painful and ironic.

So why did I? i was foolish to believe and to listen to people saying "you have to take the risk... if you're shielding yourself too much you will not get anywhere, you will be alone"  So what If I was alone? I was doing quite well with my system.  i was carefree, happy and content.  granted i was alone an I get lonely sometimes but I manage. I cope with friends, drown myself with everything I wanted, watch DVD and anime, day dream about my favorite actors and lose myself through books.  I was not insecure and I was confident.  It doesn't matter what others think.  I was proud being single, I sing about it and i live it.  

When i decided to live on my own for a year, everything crumbled down. I lost focus and was too eager to try everything.  A new place, a new experience, a new start.  But then I also paid a big price.  I learned a lot and I also crashed and burn.  I discovered who my true friends are and those who only took advantage of everything I can offer.  I took down my personal fears and gain victory but i also lost parts of me.

Risking.. i was not planned but then as they all say "well, why not?" I took the bait.  it was fun and intoxicating at first.  like a drug on your first try.  You cant get enough of the high and wanted more.  i took everything in.. I thought I was happy.. i thought i was a part of something .. i thought "this is  what I've been missing all these years".  But I was a fool to the bone.  Like  the drug, once you had it in your system, you always wanted to experience the same high, so you pay even more loosing a part off yourself just o experience that same high.  Yet we all know that no matter how many you are willing to take it will never be the same as the first.

Still I wanted more and was not willing to give up. I was willing to risk every part of me, giving every part of my that I was able to  give just to experience that again until I lost everything.  I had given my all but it was not even remotely enough to duplicate the experience. Then i realized there was nothing more to give and all that was left was me.

The friends I used to know was no where to be found, the places I used to hang out was not there anymore.  The things I used to do when I do them again does not feel the same.  its like I was empty, in the dark corner and left to wither.  You try to pick up the broken pieces of your sanity but like I said i gave my all and discovered that even my sanity evaded me.  The numbness i feel was overwhelming and the fact that i cant do anything about it makes it even worst.  I was squeezed dry that even tears abandoned me.  i could not even scream to hush the deafening silence

What if I leave this world, will it be easier? its a cowardly way out but I'm feeling cowardly right now that I'm wishing for my time to pass and and i'll be lifted. Every time i close my eyes, I earnestly pray not to wake up.. let it pass, but when I turn its morning and I'm afraid to open my eyes.. let it pass... let it pass..

I am not strong as people think i am.. the hard shell on the outside breaks easily and inside I am empty.  Even as you read this you think I am too pathetic at least I am honest about it.  I am bitter, a sore looser, and could not accept the fact that i cannot control everything.  i was once told that i would be a great lover but not a relationship kind, but even with that I suck.  I couldn't even hold on to one relationship and the fact that its not even a real relationship makes it even more sad.

There are times when i thought what if i had chosen the other, would I be happy?  Would it be easier? Maybe it was my fault too when I was asked to be his and I said "you will grow tired of me".  Maybe i was too romantic that I was expecting a reply of "no, that will never happened".  I chose this so i had to live with it.  Its like holding sands in your hands, the more you try to hold on to it the more it slips through your fingers and when you open your hands there is nothing left not even a trace. then you realized it was too late.

You cant bring back the past and all you can do is move forward. But for tonight I want to drown myself with wine and cheesy songs  in a place in a cold dark room where no one knows who i am hoping that if i close my eyes it will be over and I will be free..