all is well, isn't it my dear..

It sucks when you can hear your heart breaking into several pieces.  About the time you decided to try it out, jumping in head first saying "to hell with it" and risk it blindly, you'll get to realized that what you feared all along will feel like a hard slab of cold meet from the freezer hitting your face.  It was numbing, painful and ironic.

So why did I? i was foolish to believe and to listen to people saying "you have to take the risk... if you're shielding yourself too much you will not get anywhere, you will be alone"  So what If I was alone? I was doing quite well with my system.  i was carefree, happy and content.  granted i was alone an I get lonely sometimes but I manage. I cope with friends, drown myself with everything I wanted, watch DVD and anime, day dream about my favorite actors and lose myself through books.  I was not insecure and I was confident.  It doesn't matter what others think.  I was proud being single, I sing about it and i live it.  

When i decided to live on my own for a year, everything crumbled down. I lost focus and was too eager to try everything.  A new place, a new experience, a new start.  But then I also paid a big price.  I learned a lot and I also crashed and burn.  I discovered who my true friends are and those who only took advantage of everything I can offer.  I took down my personal fears and gain victory but i also lost parts of me.

Risking.. i was not planned but then as they all say "well, why not?" I took the bait.  it was fun and intoxicating at first.  like a drug on your first try.  You cant get enough of the high and wanted more.  i took everything in.. I thought I was happy.. i thought i was a part of something .. i thought "this is  what I've been missing all these years".  But I was a fool to the bone.  Like  the drug, once you had it in your system, you always wanted to experience the same high, so you pay even more loosing a part off yourself just o experience that same high.  Yet we all know that no matter how many you are willing to take it will never be the same as the first.

Still I wanted more and was not willing to give up. I was willing to risk every part of me, giving every part of my that I was able to  give just to experience that again until I lost everything.  I had given my all but it was not even remotely enough to duplicate the experience. Then i realized there was nothing more to give and all that was left was me.

The friends I used to know was no where to be found, the places I used to hang out was not there anymore.  The things I used to do when I do them again does not feel the same.  its like I was empty, in the dark corner and left to wither.  You try to pick up the broken pieces of your sanity but like I said i gave my all and discovered that even my sanity evaded me.  The numbness i feel was overwhelming and the fact that i cant do anything about it makes it even worst.  I was squeezed dry that even tears abandoned me.  i could not even scream to hush the deafening silence

What if I leave this world, will it be easier? its a cowardly way out but I'm feeling cowardly right now that I'm wishing for my time to pass and and i'll be lifted. Every time i close my eyes, I earnestly pray not to wake up.. let it pass, but when I turn its morning and I'm afraid to open my eyes.. let it pass... let it pass..

I am not strong as people think i am.. the hard shell on the outside breaks easily and inside I am empty.  Even as you read this you think I am too pathetic at least I am honest about it.  I am bitter, a sore looser, and could not accept the fact that i cannot control everything.  i was once told that i would be a great lover but not a relationship kind, but even with that I suck.  I couldn't even hold on to one relationship and the fact that its not even a real relationship makes it even more sad.

There are times when i thought what if i had chosen the other, would I be happy?  Would it be easier? Maybe it was my fault too when I was asked to be his and I said "you will grow tired of me".  Maybe i was too romantic that I was expecting a reply of "no, that will never happened".  I chose this so i had to live with it.  Its like holding sands in your hands, the more you try to hold on to it the more it slips through your fingers and when you open your hands there is nothing left not even a trace. then you realized it was too late.

You cant bring back the past and all you can do is move forward. But for tonight I want to drown myself with wine and cheesy songs  in a place in a cold dark room where no one knows who i am hoping that if i close my eyes it will be over and I will be free..