I was awaken by the sound of my phone. As a habit I usually place it beside my pillow. I don't usually hear it buzz when ever I get a message, i just automatically reach for it knowing that I have a pending message unread. For 3 days I received none and today there is one message from a sender that i don't know whether i should reply or not. You probably know the answer from the title.
I had contemplated for several minutes if I should or shouldn't reply.
I talked to mom yesterday about it. She knew something was wrong for several days now and she doesn't want to ask me about it since she is preoccupied with her problems too. I asked for an advice. she told me if we are completely friends, its okay that we experience a rough spot. if i was really a friend, i should act like one and not count why he didnt did this to me and we didnt do that. It all boils down to me on what kind of a friend I am. I have been disappointed by friends before, should I act the same? Should I not be there for him just because he wasnt there for me too? My mom asked a pretty good damn question! if you consider each other friend and they act like jerks to you would you do the same?
It got me thinking, what kind of a friend am i? Ive said before that i will never let anybody feel they way I felt with my friends. i dont want to be a disappointment, but it made me wonder too why i dont have the best best friend? The one that most people have, your confidant. Maybe I was making things difficult? Maybe I was the one with the problem, i got 2 friends from college and we've been always close but at the same time I feel like the third wheel. i was never included and always the second choice. They said "sometimes being friends with me made them feel like they are indebted to me." What the fuck does that mean? i stopped talking to them this year. maybe once in a while but I stopped talking to friends and people I know.
it feels like year 2000 again. 2 years Ii hid myself from everybody i know. i go to school, but they hardly see me. I changed my schedule and completely avoided any social contact. I took the afternoons off so i can go home and watch DVDs only to return it the next day. I got a lot of coupons from that store. And this year, im almost at my 6th month avoiding people.
Anyway I know why he text me on the 4th day. he only said he is now cured from tantrums and we could be friends again. The same question burned in my head "What kind of a friend am I?" I am the jealous type. I want what is mine will only be mine. Every time i see that bracelet i want to tear his fucking head off! an I want this pain in me to stop. Am i gonna be the same kind of friend he is? i have to set my boundaries when it comes to him.
i am weak. i replied. but it will never be the same. i am a tainted glass, scared and numb. I now know where i should be in his life. and I'm going to live mine apart from him. If he needs a friend, then ok.. I am that friend he needs, but no more benefits. Unless he would take that bracelet off. That bracelet will be my constant reminder that i need to say "NO". i will be there when he needs me, that is the kind of friend I am, but i will look for my comfort else where. i will find a different friend for me who is willing to share all the same things with me and laugh about it when i mess up. he or she might be out there. who knows.
But I am still trying to move on and daily picking up the pieces. at least now on day 5 i have found some meaning on how i can push myself apart from these so-called "my friends."
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