Day 4: Missing You

Disappointed? with myself?  Yes.  I wanted another outcome from what i did yesterday.  I guess its too much to hope for, but I knew that it would turn out this way.  i know how his head works and sad to say I was expecting a little bit more than that.  Today is another long day.  No matter how I try to busy myself with work so I don't want to think about him, hide my phone, watch DVDs to keep my mind off things, but nothing is working.  Once in a while I found myself crying out of the blue. And i know this is getting way too pathetic.

What can i do? I love the guy.. unfortunately he didn't feel the dame.. i have the right to wallow at least for a week before picking up the pieces.  Its easy to say that he's not worth it. He doesn't care about you as much but he was once worth it, and he did care sincerely. I've seen who he was, not this over vainly guy who is getting way over his head and will only talk to me when he feels like it.  

I know while you're reading this, you're saying.. wake up! you're delusional.. men are all the same. He is not worth all of you. he doesn't even deserve you so why shed the tears, why long for him to come home? Why? Don't you think I ask the same questions? Don't you think i constantly ask myself why I was not enough?

But I don't know the answer.  I've been asking myself over and over again and I know I deserve better.. i knew better..and i will be alright. but its easier said than done.

I feel I'm ripping apart.  I can still smell his perfume, i know how he laughs, I can still picture it in my head.  I still remember those times when we;ll just do a joyride with only little money in our pockets.  When were only happy with the little things we had. Ride a bus for two hours just to buy fish-ball at the last bus stop.  The times where we just talk until the wee hours of the morning.  Those memories are not easy to erase.  

What I miss the most is our friendship. NOT the Lover kind.  The one where we used to tell each other everything without judgement.  I miss that friend who I spend the time talking at the side of the road even though 3 hours after I will report at work.  i miss that friend who was willing to listen to me.. my friend who was fun and made me smile, the one who made me feel that its okay to be different.  its okay to be weird.  its okay that i don't get things sometimes and we'll just laugh about it.  that friend and not the lover.

But then again that's too much to ask..

its kinda hard when you're all alone with no one to support you because basically no one knows what you're going through. You're so-called friends don't have any clue or even the ones you live with, your family thought everything is alright.  I was thinking.. it would be a poetic justice if Im gone during my birthday.  Everybody will be happy.