Day 3: Motivated

This morning i decided to end it all.  Damn all consequences, I will not waver from my decision and end it even if it means I will lose everything.  But come to think of it I already lost everything, whats a little bit more.  The first thing I wanted back was to gain control.  i sent a text in the wee hours of the morning knowing that is the first thing he will read when he wakes up.  I know about all the cliche's breaking up using text but were not breaking up.. were not even in a relationship.  It was just a symbol of me taking charge of what I really wanted.  

Freedom

Freedom from everything.  I got a lot in my mind and giving him a piece of that was a big step for me.  the fact that he knows for sure that i wont be able to say no and I wont be able to say goodbye is something he doesn't expect. I need to do what needs to be done.  Were friends with benefits and i don't even get any benefits for that matter.  So why I held on after all this time? I fell. Hard. Foolishly. Blindly.

And everything was so easy.. I thought I was happy then it begin toiling down to a burden.  I knew it from the start.  I was just foolish enough to risk it even though I knew in the end I will end up in the loosing end.

So I refuse to be the loosing end.  If he doesn't appreciate me and everything I did was not even remotely enough for him them then I will convince myself that it is his loss.  He had everything going in good on him. I was there when he was down when no one wanted him because he had no money, his friends left him, he had no job, he was a mess.  But like a lost puppy I gave in, accepted him for who he is and help him pick up the pieces until he became on top of his game.  But people can be blinded with the little success they have.  he can choose now whoever he wanted and they will be on their knees for him. Then I was out of the picture.  so much for that!

I am now motivated to free myself from this misery. 1 year, although not every moment of it was hell.  After 3 months we sadly went cold and i should have known, from that moment on we went downhill and i was just too foolish to pick it up even though there was no way to go but down.

i am planning to take a vacation.  Once I saved up enough money I can go for a 3 days trip alone in a place where no one knew me. maybe a beach maybe a resort, far away from here. Drink wine, read a book, lose myself from all that is anchoring me down.  Have a different number, no cellphones, if i can no work too. just me a beach or a pool a book, my laptop and a time  for me.

I'm intensifying my workout at the gym. instead of just TRX, every Tuesday and Thursday I can have a 2 hours cardio-vascular  exercise, or walk my dog.  I'm gonna make sure that if ever we will see each other again he will regret it.  I'm taking back all the luck that I had with with when we are together.  I'm taking everything.. one by one.. i'll probably start from the job.. lets see how he can pick up the pieces.

I know its bitchy and pathetic..but in fact i don't have to do anything at all. i will just have to wait patiently.