5/27/09
HONEY & CLOVER
they were stretching their hands towards something
which was invisible to the eye
even if there was no goal there
even if they realized that their hand couldn't reach it
they're still moving towards it with all they had
but i wonder what was i doing
i was just staring
and i didn't even try to stretch my hand out
i was scared of the result
and i couldn't even take a single step forward
i was jealously watching the paths
that everyone found with effort
by saying i was different from everyone else
i was making excuses to myself
i was just afraid of being hurt
if there was no map you wont know where to go
i thought you chose where to go
after you've seen the map
but i was wrong
i am not lost because i don't have a map
i don't have a purpose
I want to move even faster
I want to move even further
concentrating on that, i continued to pedal
OUR CONVERSATION WENT LIKE THIS:
Mom: Ano mas nami? Black nga blouse or ang stripes nga brown pants?
Me: Kung ang black, may skirt ka na didto nga red or white. Okey mn lang ang brown nga pants ,
Mom: Wala gid piw sang may gapangaluyag sa imo?
Me: EEhhhhhh?
Mom: Kay kagina pa kadamo tawo nga gaholding hands... kag upod ta ya...
Me:
Mom: Malaon ka na gid ya?
ITS GOOD TO KNOW
It took us an hour drive up on the mountains and since i was working under a photographer, they all assumed i am a photographer too so therefore i am in charge of taking the photos to be emailed back to the benefactor.
While having lunch, a visitor asked my mom,
visitor: "How are your kids?"
It was my grandmother (the wife of my grandfather) who provided the answer. ( as if she knows anything about our lives)
grandma: "Her kids are doing well."
visitor: "Who is she? (pointing at me) is she your daughter?"
my mom smiled but my grandmother still provided the answer.
grandma: "Yes! That's Piwi. aww.. shes very unique! Whats your course again piw?"
i stopped what i was doing and obliged an answer.
me: "interior design, La"
grandma: "Oh, yes. See she's a designer. She's very unique"
What was that about? Then i remembered, when i was still taking architecture, my grandfather asked me why that course? I should have chosen a more respectable job like a teacher perhaps. Since my mother and aunts are teachers. I should have been a teacher too. I don't really understand why he wanted to push education as a course. I have a vast patience like an ocean and that's not even the point. I'm living with a teacher and seen my mother in action. At times, i write her lesson plans but i don't understand why do i have to do something they do too. Is it wrong to be a designer? I know i wanted to pursue the course i have taken and was too picky on jobs but ended up working on another field yet closely related.
I admit, i am unique. its just the way she said it. It was like putting it lightly and meant another. I'm happy being different. But you're making it sound like its a crime. Its enough that I'm already 27 and still stuck here, do you have to rub it in?
DAMAGED GOODS
Contemplating
A depressing day.
I should have kept my mouth shut and not tell people I was leaving when I didn't even came close to booking myself an airplane ticket. What was I? The girl who cried wolf? The people I meant were asking, you're still here? I keep going back to the same office over and over again so I could have a freelance job. I'll get paid while I'm still looking for another job, preferably not here. And if ever I will have a job here I will have to start my own business to earn the cash I needed.
My brother looks down on me for not owning up to my college degree. He is working in a higher position than me. Of course, since I an jobless at the moment. But I am looking for ways to earn money. All the plans that I had lined up are crashing one by one. Maybe that's why my aunts look down on me too.
I remember once, a teacher who "so-called" can read palms read mine. She said that "... you won't finish up to anything. You will be doing something and give it your best but you will never finish it." I thought, "you bitch! Who the hell you think you are!" That was the time I when I was having a rough year in architecture. OK, its given, I did not get to finish architecture, but then I shifted to interior design and passed with flying colors. I proved to her that I was not what she was thinking. That bitch was not the final fate and I wouldn't get intimidated that easily. Although that teacher wouldn't give a damn if I graduated with flying colors or not she wouldn't remember knowing of saying those things to me either. One thing though she was right when she said in the later end that my life will be full of tears and disappointments. On that she was not off her mark.
I have my share of disappointments this past 27 years of my life. How many times have I wished for it to end but I'm still kicking and hurting. How many times have I bled the ears of my friends from my constant whining and ranting that no matter how I rant and whine at the end of the day I'm still under beck and call. I cant do anything about it. I was raised that way. maybe its the same reason why I am constantly battling with my own identity. I cant even decide on my own personal resolve. i thought I know what I want, but when all your life you are content with being second best, it makes you wanna be in the backstage rather than the star up on that stage. I know disappointments are always tied behind me, always. But I wonder why every time i do, it never fails me to surprise me.
I got everything set up, I had laid my plans out very well. I packed my bags, boxed all my favorite things that I cant live without, stopped myself from spending all my salary so I could save enough money for my trip. Even though my clothes are like uniforms every week at the office, I try my best not to buy new clothes or shoes. I almost never eat lunch just to save. I processed all of my clearances, important documents and ID so i wont have any problem processing it elsewhere. I had secured myself a job before I resigned from the company I was working. I had everything, everything considered. Even the slightest detail like the slipper that I was gonna wear there. I bought an external hard drive so it will be easier for me to store files, but now, I'm still paying for the hard drive with the money I save that I was supposed to use for the trip. i have living these past few months with the salary I had saved. What about next month? I have nothing left. And still looking for a new job.
As I've said I shouldn't have opened my mouth. Promised a friend that we will take a tour at Baguio. A vacation before before she went home. Where's Baguio now? Still in the upper part of Luzon, I guess. But where am I? Still stuck here in Bacolod.
Now, I got no job, no money, my mother is disappointed that I'm just staying at home and not looking for a job, my brother is annoyed that I don't have enough money to take care of myself and I have no sense of direction. I don't really know where to start. Every time I made plans, it seems life likes to slap me in the face with it. I'm too tire to a point where I don't want to try anymore. it really getting in my nerves and I just cant hold it down much longer. I'm afraid that if I go on like this, this would be like falling in a bottomless pit that there is no way I could get out. I don't want to be a bum, but gosh its very difficult to pull yourself up every time someone trips you over.
I know I can't blame my cousin for flushing my plans down the toilet. But I cannot help it. Its not her fault that she got pregnant and had an operation. When will I ever learn to not get my hopes high. I have a great tush but its not meant to cushion my fall, its only meant it to be flaunted. I just wish I could get out of this depression. I might not look like it but that doesn't mean I'm not feeling it.
5/26/09
So, I'm still human after all
The fact that he was faithful to the mother of his child for almost 8 years now says something else. I am not a home wrecker and plus I am not a cradle snatcher. Even though I know he could do better for a girlfriend. But its just funny to think that he almost fit the guy I'm painting i my mind. He was taller than me , although i preferred guys over 6 feet. He was lean and does not need the gym. he was paled in skin. He had this oval shaped glasses that framed his face perfectly. And because he was lean, the different angles on his face were visible. I love talking to him especially when we share different opinions. He is intelligent in his own right. He is buried into books and we share the same passions for anime, tv series, and other books. Or was I thinking of a two-dimensional peron called Hakkai??
It was a nice belated present for me. Although short lived I had fun talking to the guy across the table. we might not see each other again for quite sometime. When we hugged and kissed each other goodbye, (not on the lips of course) and parted our ways, it felt like i was happy to hold a friend for the first time. This is the closest thing i'll ever get.
ooh how you love to hate me: the curse of being hopeful
Disappointment, that word goes around so much these days. Just when you think that you'll get your chance to spread your wings and fly, here comes Mr. Disappointment gladly cutting your wings. So much for your hurrah!
How much do you think a beating one can take after deciding to end once life? Physically beating yourself? emotionally ruin yourself esteem. I know this person who relishes to see you squirm and is in delight while watching you confused and hoping for death. Kinda like reminding of Artemis in the book of Kenyon. Artemis, the goddess of Hunt. Too bad she should have been the goddess of discord and misery. Or even take the place of Ker.
Which brings down to hope. I don't know why i tried so much to please when i know its going no where. Everyday you try you think that when she gave you a morsel of attention she picked from the floor like you matter and then gladly toss it to the dogs and laugh while you try to drink you own saliva to quench your thirst and appease your hunger that you would learn but somehow you never will. The same cycle repeats over and over like a broken record. Like the needle in a gramophone scarring the vinyl records over and over. You know what they say, first cut is the deepest, but when repeated you'll get numb from the pain. Just like saying, "so what? you'll live!"
When will one learn. When will i learn. But then everyday the same old thing. no wonder i'm getting no where..