A COLLECTION OF MY THOUGHTS FOR YOU TO READ ... ^^

5/27/09

HONEY & CLOVER

everyone was running desperately aiming for something
they were stretching their hands towards something
which was invisible to the eye
even if there was no goal there
even if they realized that their hand couldn't reach it
they're still moving towards it with all they had
but i wonder what was i doing
i was just staring
and i didn't even try to stretch my hand out
i was scared of the result
and i couldn't even take a single step forward
i was jealously watching the paths
that everyone found with effort
by saying i was different from everyone else
i was making excuses to myself
i was just afraid of being hurt
if there was no map you wont know where to go
i thought you chose where to go
after you've seen the map
but i was wrong
i am not lost because i don't have a map
i don't have a purpose
I want to move even faster
I want to move even further
concentrating on that, i continued to pedal

OUR CONVERSATION WENT LIKE THIS:


Mom: Ano mas nami? Black nga blouse or ang stripes nga brown pants?
( which is better? black blouse or brown striped pants?)
Me: Kung ang black, may skirt ka na didto nga red or white. Okey mn lang ang brown nga pants ,
may blouse ka man to.
(If its black you already had a red or white skirt, its okey if brown, you got a blouse for that too.)
Mom: Wala gid piw sang may gapangaluyag sa imo?
(no one is courting you piw, really?)
Me: EEhhhhhh? Eeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh?
Mom: Kay kagina pa kadamo tawo nga gaholding hands... kag upod ta ya...
(its just that a lot of couples are holding hands and were together)
Me: eeehhh???
Mom: Malaon ka na gid ya?
(are you gonna be an old maid?)
Then i started laughing, feeling either confused, dumbfounded, shocked and amused. I still cant believe that of all people my mom would ask that question.!

ITS GOOD TO KNOW

It was Monday and a holiday for most people. My boss asked me to work but i chose not to. Were celebrating my grandfather's (brother of my grandmother) birthday that day too. i asked for a half day of excuse of work but i ended up not going anyway.
It took us an hour drive up on the mountains and since i was working under a photographer, they all assumed i am a photographer too so therefore i am in charge of taking the photos to be emailed back to the benefactor.
While having lunch, a visitor asked my mom,
visitor: "How are your kids?"
It was my grandmother (the wife of my grandfather) who provided the answer. ( as if she knows anything about our lives)
grandma: "Her kids are doing well."
visitor: "Who is she? (pointing at me) is she your daughter?"
my mom smiled but my grandmother still provided the answer.
grandma: "Yes! That's Piwi. aww.. shes very unique! Whats your course again piw?"
i stopped what i was doing and obliged an answer.
me: "interior design, La"
grandma: "Oh, yes. See she's a designer. She's very unique"

What was that about? Then i remembered, when i was still taking architecture, my grandfather asked me why that course? I should have chosen a more respectable job like a teacher perhaps. Since my mother and aunts are teachers. I should have been a teacher too. I don't really understand why he wanted to push education as a course. I have a vast patience like an ocean and that's not even the point. I'm living with a teacher and seen my mother in action. At times, i write her lesson plans but i don't understand why do i have to do something they do too. Is it wrong to be a designer? I know i wanted to pursue the course i have taken and was too picky on jobs but ended up working on another field yet closely related.
I admit, i am unique. its just the way she said it. It was like putting it lightly and meant another. I'm happy being different. But you're making it sound like its a crime. Its enough that I'm already 27 and still stuck here, do you have to rub it in?

DAMAGED GOODS

Some people camE with all the luck in the world
Mostly some just barely getting through
Others are merely damaged goodsT
hough damaged goods are returnable
Can be replaced
Some are just a loss cause
But in real life,
They are not returnable nor replaceable
You just have to get by being a defect‘
Coz someday might just turn out to be a good day
For some damaged goods

Contemplating

Now, with all the blogs that I have, now I am wondering what will I do with this one. I need the content to be something different than my other blogs, but somehow I doubt that.
Here are the list that I have in mind.:
* Reviews (Jdorama, Movies, English TV series, books)
* Random thoughts ( a day in the life of yours truly)
* Some Like it Hot (my bishouhens)
This marks my first entry

A depressing day.

Have you ever get that feeling where you felt out of place? That you were suddenly plucked out from your comfort zone and placed you in a middle of no where, with no direction what so ever? I get that a lot since last month. That's why I get so depressed with no sense of purpose.
I got everything all planned out. I'm the type of person that literally plans ahead to the point of being paranoid. I like the feeling of working towards something. it makes me feel that I have a sense of being, a purpose driven person. But when it was suddenly yank off from you then slap it on your face makes you feel like a moron.Too stupid to realize that when you plan ahead you will always have another set of plan if ever it fails. You will always a plan B or C. But in this case I had exhausted everything up to plan E.

I should have kept my mouth shut and not tell people I was leaving when I didn't even came close to booking myself an airplane ticket. What was I? The girl who cried wolf? The people I meant were asking, you're still here? I keep going back to the same office over and over again so I could have a freelance job. I'll get paid while I'm still looking for another job, preferably not here. And if ever I will have a job here I will have to start my own business to earn the cash I needed.

My brother looks down on me for not owning up to my college degree. He is working in a higher position than me. Of course, since I an jobless at the moment. But I am looking for ways to earn money. All the plans that I had lined up are crashing one by one. Maybe that's why my aunts look down on me too.

I remember once, a teacher who "so-called" can read palms read mine. She said that "... you won't finish up to anything. You will be doing something and give it your best but you will never finish it." I thought, "you bitch! Who the hell you think you are!" That was the time I when I was having a rough year in architecture. OK, its given, I did not get to finish architecture, but then I shifted to interior design and passed with flying colors. I proved to her that I was not what she was thinking. That bitch was not the final fate and I wouldn't get intimidated that easily. Although that teacher wouldn't give a damn if I graduated with flying colors or not she wouldn't remember knowing of saying those things to me either. One thing though she was right when she said in the later end that my life will be full of tears and disappointments. On that she was not off her mark.

I have my share of disappointments this past 27 years of my life. How many times have I wished for it to end but I'm still kicking and hurting. How many times have I bled the ears of my friends from my constant whining and ranting that no matter how I rant and whine at the end of the day I'm still under beck and call. I cant do anything about it. I was raised that way. maybe its the same reason why I am constantly battling with my own identity. I cant even decide on my own personal resolve. i thought I know what I want, but when all your life you are content with being second best, it makes you wanna be in the backstage rather than the star up on that stage. I know disappointments are always tied behind me, always. But I wonder why every time i do, it never fails me to surprise me.

I got everything set up, I had laid my plans out very well. I packed my bags, boxed all my favorite things that I cant live without, stopped myself from spending all my salary so I could save enough money for my trip. Even though my clothes are like uniforms every week at the office, I try my best not to buy new clothes or shoes. I almost never eat lunch just to save. I processed all of my clearances, important documents and ID so i wont have any problem processing it elsewhere. I had secured myself a job before I resigned from the company I was working. I had everything, everything considered. Even the slightest detail like the slipper that I was gonna wear there. I bought an external hard drive so it will be easier for me to store files, but now, I'm still paying for the hard drive with the money I save that I was supposed to use for the trip. i have living these past few months with the salary I had saved. What about next month? I have nothing left. And still looking for a new job.

As I've said I shouldn't have opened my mouth. Promised a friend that we will take a tour at Baguio. A vacation before before she went home. Where's Baguio now? Still in the upper part of Luzon, I guess. But where am I? Still stuck here in Bacolod.

Now, I got no job, no money, my mother is disappointed that I'm just staying at home and not looking for a job, my brother is annoyed that I don't have enough money to take care of myself and I have no sense of direction. I don't really know where to start. Every time I made plans, it seems life likes to slap me in the face with it. I'm too tire to a point where I don't want to try anymore. it really getting in my nerves and I just cant hold it down much longer. I'm afraid that if I go on like this, this would be like falling in a bottomless pit that there is no way I could get out. I don't want to be a bum, but gosh its very difficult to pull yourself up every time someone trips you over.

I know I can't blame my cousin for flushing my plans down the toilet. But I cannot help it. Its not her fault that she got pregnant and had an operation. When will I ever learn to not get my hopes high. I have a great tush but its not meant to cushion my fall, its only meant it to be flaunted. I just wish I could get out of this depression. I might not look like it but that doesn't mean I'm not feeling it.

5/26/09

So, I'm still human after all

As i was talking to a friend whom i haven't seen in ages, i realized something. Did I really liked this guy back in college? But he was so young and still looks young after 1wo years. I missed talking to him. For three hours all we did was talk about the things we liked, books we read, how life had been these few years. I never thought I would be thinking those thoughts. Was i feeling lonely? If only, but the guy in front of me had other complications in his life. But he was way younger than me and the closest thing for a relationship we can have is from a brother and a sister. Was i considering the possibility? No, its even pointless.
The fact that he was faithful to the mother of his child for almost 8 years now says something else. I am not a home wrecker and plus I am not a cradle snatcher. Even though I know he could do better for a girlfriend. But its just funny to think that he almost fit the guy I'm painting i my mind. He was taller than me , although i preferred guys over 6 feet. He was lean and does not need the gym. he was paled in skin. He had this oval shaped glasses that framed his face perfectly. And because he was lean, the different angles on his face were visible. I love talking to him especially when we share different opinions. He is intelligent in his own right. He is buried into books and we share the same passions for anime, tv series, and other books. Or was I thinking of a two-dimensional peron called Hakkai??
It was a nice belated present for me. Although short lived I had fun talking to the guy across the table. we might not see each other again for quite sometime. When we hugged and kissed each other goodbye, (not on the lips of course) and parted our ways, it felt like i was happy to hold a friend for the first time. This is the closest thing i'll ever get.

ooh how you love to hate me: the curse of being hopeful

Well, people never learn from their mistakes. Sometimes it kicks us in the butt so hard yet we hardly felt it. It pays to be subjected under such circumstances when it leaves us no choice but to live with it. We are always under their clutches regardless on how we tried to find a flaw within the strands of fate. Yes, ever since we are born we are bound to them. Sometimes it just sucks that we don't get to chose to whom we are born too. Cant they get it that we hardly had a choice in all these? i live with it, survived 26 years of hurt, embarrassment and disappointments.
Disappointment, that word goes around so much these days. Just when you think that you'll get your chance to spread your wings and fly, here comes Mr. Disappointment gladly cutting your wings. So much for your hurrah!
How much do you think a beating one can take after deciding to end once life? Physically beating yourself? emotionally ruin yourself esteem. I know this person who relishes to see you squirm and is in delight while watching you confused and hoping for death. Kinda like reminding of Artemis in the book of Kenyon. Artemis, the goddess of Hunt. Too bad she should have been the goddess of discord and misery. Or even take the place of Ker.
Which brings down to hope. I don't know why i tried so much to please when i know its going no where. Everyday you try you think that when she gave you a morsel of attention she picked from the floor like you matter and then gladly toss it to the dogs and laugh while you try to drink you own saliva to quench your thirst and appease your hunger that you would learn but somehow you never will. The same cycle repeats over and over like a broken record. Like the needle in a gramophone scarring the vinyl records over and over. You know what they say, first cut is the deepest, but when repeated you'll get numb from the pain. Just like saying, "so what? you'll live!"
When will one learn. When will i learn. But then everyday the same old thing. no wonder i'm getting no where..