A depressing day.

Have you ever get that feeling where you felt out of place? That you were suddenly plucked out from your comfort zone and placed you in a middle of no where, with no direction what so ever? I get that a lot since last month. That's why I get so depressed with no sense of purpose.

I got everything all planned out. I'm the type of person that literally plans ahead to the point of being paranoid. I like the feeling of working towards something. it makes me feel that I have a sense of being, a purpose driven person. But when it was suddenly yank off from you then slap it on your face makes you feel like a moron.Too stupid to realize that when you plan ahead you will always have another set of plan if ever it fails. You will always a plan B or C. But in this case I had exhausted everything up to plan E.

I should have kept my mouth shut and not tell people I was leaving when I didn't even came close to booking myself an airplane ticket. What was I? The girl who cried wolf? The people I meant were asking, you're still here? I keep going back to the same office over and over again so I could have a freelance job. I'll get paid while I'm still looking for another job, preferably not here. And if ever I will have a job here I will have to start my own business to earn the cash I needed.

My brother looks down on me for not owning up to my college degree. He is working in a higher position than me. Of course, since I an jobless at the moment. But I am looking for ways to earn money. All the plans that I had lined up are crashing one by one. Maybe that's why my aunts look down on me too.

I remember once, a teacher who "so-called" can read palms read mine. She said that "... you won't finish up to anything. You will be doing something and give it your best but you will never finish it." I thought, "you bitch! Who the hell you think you are!" That was the time I when I was having a rough year in architecture. OK, its given, I did not get to finish architecture, but then I shifted to interior design and passed with flying colors. I proved to her that I was not what she was thinking. That bitch was not the final fate and I wouldn't get intimidated that easily. Although that teacher wouldn't give a damn if I graduated with flying colors or not she wouldn't remember knowing of saying those things to me either. One thing though she was right when she said in the later end that my life will be full of tears and disappointments. On that she was not off her mark.

I have my share of disappointments this past 27 years of my life. How many times have I wished for it to end but I'm still kicking and hurting. How many times have I bled the ears of my friends from my constant whining and ranting that no matter how I rant and whine at the end of the day I'm still under beck and call. I cant do anything about it. I was raised that way. maybe its the same reason why I am constantly battling with my own identity. I cant even decide on my own personal resolve. i thought I know what I want, but when all your life you are content with being second best, it makes you wanna be in the backstage rather than the star up on that stage. I know disappointments are always tied behind me, always. But I wonder why every time i do, it never fails me to surprise me.

I got everything set up, I had laid my plans out very well. I packed my bags, boxed all my favorite things that I cant live without, stopped myself from spending all my salary so I could save enough money for my trip. Even though my clothes are like uniforms every week at the office, I try my best not to buy new clothes or shoes. I almost never eat lunch just to save. I processed all of my clearances, important documents and ID so i wont have any problem processing it elsewhere. I had secured myself a job before I resigned from the company I was working. I had everything, everything considered. Even the slightest detail like the slipper that I was gonna wear there. I bought an external hard drive so it will be easier for me to store files, but now, I'm still paying for the hard drive with the money I save that I was supposed to use for the trip. i have living these past few months with the salary I had saved. What about next month? I have nothing left. And still looking for a new job.

As I've said I shouldn't have opened my mouth. Promised a friend that we will take a tour at Baguio. A vacation before before she went home. Where's Baguio now? Still in the upper part of Luzon, I guess. But where am I? Still stuck here in Bacolod.

Now, I got no job, no money, my mother is disappointed that I'm just staying at home and not looking for a job, my brother is annoyed that I don't have enough money to take care of myself and I have no sense of direction. I don't really know where to start. Every time I made plans, it seems life likes to slap me in the face with it. I'm too tire to a point where I don't want to try anymore. it really getting in my nerves and I just cant hold it down much longer. I'm afraid that if I go on like this, this would be like falling in a bottomless pit that there is no way I could get out. I don't want to be a bum, but gosh its very difficult to pull yourself up every time someone trips you over.

I know I can't blame my cousin for flushing my plans down the toilet. But I cannot help it. Its not her fault that she got pregnant and had an operation. When will I ever learn to not get my hopes high. I have a great tush but its not meant to cushion my fall, its only meant it to be flaunted. I just wish I could get out of this depression. I might not look like it but that doesn't mean I'm not feeling it.