Some kind of a Christmas

We'll not be celebrating Christmas this year too.  Mom is running off to malaysia, brother is working, and i got time in my hands.. so.. i'll be cooking something for my birthday instead.  i know I'm not supposed to celebrate it.. but I'm not celebrating my birthday.. I'm just going to cook to relive stress.  I was supposed to disappear during that day but as usual, plans changed since my salary this month didn't fit my budget. So me drinking my heart out and looking for reasons not to live will be postponed for another month.  See how ironic life is? heheh... anyway.. my menu for birthday will be my classic spaghetti recipe. here are the ingredients! ( I will post pictures and update)

Mighty Protein Spaghetti (protein because of all the meat!) ^_^

(the amount of ingredients vary according to your linking)

1 kilo pasta (either penne or the classic noodles wheat or regular)

corned beef

sliced hotdogs

sliced mushrooms

1/2-1 kilo ground beef (or pork if you like) 

         you can use the half for meatballs

minced onions

minced garlic

spiced ham (cut in squares)

liver spread

1 box all purpose cream

spaghetti sauce (italian and sweet)

meat sauce (with mushrooms)

minced bell pepper (optional)

garnish

*maybe served with garlic sticks, garlic bread, or toasted bruschetta

Onion rings

(this I got from a very wonderful website)

 http://foodwishes.blogspot.com/2010/05/can-i-get-onion-rings-instead-of-fries.html

just follow all instructions there.

cornstarch

all purpose flour

cayenne (i dont know if i will add this)

instant mashed potatoes

japanese breadcrumbs

water or milk (my version)

Sinful fruit salad

(why? with all the all-purpose cream and condensed milk i put in there my TRX abs will disappear!)

1 can fruit cocktail

1 pack nata de coco

1 pack kaong

1 bar cheese cut into small squares

1 can pineapple chunks

1 can corn kernel

1 pack raisins

peanuts (optional)

2 boxes of all purpose cream

1/2 can of condensed milk

I am not sure if i will set this as a topping for a graham ref cake.. heheh.. that depends upon the budget.

Anyway.. i will try my very best not to cry again on my birthday because of disappointments.  If i cant do anything about it.. I'll buy some shoes at Primadonna! 

Naughty... naughty... naughty...

I did something today that i though i will never do in my entire life and its the first time I've done it too.  I also solemnly told myself that I will never be one of those people who exposed themselves in all glory.  Yes, I always envied their freedom and their security and able to be shameless once in a while.

So i did the unthinkable (well unthinkable for me..hehehe) i took everything off and pose nude. I took several pictures.. of course its not the best and the artistic kind of shot but just a regular one and  see if I am comfortable with my body.  The experience is quite freeing.. made me feel desirable and powerful.  i didnt think twice to shoot all angles I wanted.  Of course these photos are not for all of you to see.  Once I stopped shooting i deleted everything too.  I dont want that my mom will accidentally see it. Much more other people.

hhahaha

Definitely.. I should do this more often.. My, my. .. I feel great!

New week ahead

Today is a start of a very hectic week.. I have to work double time to have extra cash so I can have enough budget for my trip on January.  i might not be able to work as much as I would want but I'am looking forward for a long vacation.  I have only few people now in my Christmas checklist planned.  Last year i got everybody on the list, now since I'm keeping things to myself and been secluded for a very long time.. I was hoping that people wont notice that I am missing and no gifts are at their door.. hehehe.. 

I am out of budget especially with the new rule to be implemented inside our house.  We have to pay for the house bills equally.  With what I have right now as a salary.. I don't have enough for savings.  And there's nothing I can do but to work overtime again. reach 70 hours per week for the succeeding weeks just enough to  have a budget for my daily supplements. (i know im getting bitter again so i wont go ranting about it.)

Anyway.. this week will compose of;

• Powertec task (will try to achieve 70 hours)
• Designs for Zahir
• Natalie's wedding album
• I will have a daily walk with kirara...(will provide pictures later)
• Will buy:

1. Christmas Gifts (mama. choi, lola, james, yana)
2. Fat burner (will try lipo 6 black hers just 10 capsules for a week trial)
3. Prunes
4. Grape juice
5. Grape seed

day off

im taking the dayboff but will work later.. catched up some DvDs so i can take a break.. im craving for onion kropek/crackers... will buy some later... im craving..:(

Day 7: further disappointments

Its been a week and as usual I was not given a chance to even have a week just for me.. it always have to be about somebody else.  Caught between your parent's loveless marriage is not a very good spot for me.  I always end up being the go to party.

Partly I guess it was my fault.  i haven't kept my mouth shut.  I know I am living at her house so my loyalty should be on hers.  The thing is I don't have very much loyalty on both.  My father wants me to take care of him because as he said "You are all old enough and you have to work, so my obligation to you is done and you have to take care of me instead" he is so used to being single that for 25 years, he only changed his status to married this year.

My mom will always play the pity card and deny that she needs  pity.  I am caught in between.  They don't talk anymore so they talk through me.My father doesn't trust my mom about the family expenses and thinking mom is just spending the money on her own luxury, (especially when he sees my mom's personal bag and shoes collection.  My father is one big to talk when he only send 20% of his salary to us and spend it to his car, and other electronic gadgets.

My brother is pissed because my mother is hurt, my father doubt us, my father thinks that we just spend the money he sent to some luxury.  my father is still bitter that my brother and my mom went to Hongkong last year and my mom spent 2 weeks in Singapore and Malaysia. My father has been working for 28 years in Riyadh but haven't saved a single cent.  the packages he sent as gift when he goes home are from company freebies.

And when he is home, he will not spend a single cent for his kids. he is expecting for us to spend on him instead.

I know my family is not perfect and my father have this idealistic picture that we are going to be a one whole big and happy family. But the truth of the matter is that we are not.  My mom is angry because i reprimanded her and tell her that partly it was her fault.  i forgot that I should never do that ever.  she thinks she is always right. Too much pride in our family, I wonder why we haven't started killing each other.

And you are wondering why i am built this way? Why i am disappointed with life, friends and family?   i wonder how I keep it together.  Everybody disappoints one way or another. Its always be and have been.

Day 6: Determined

Its Friday madness.. so i just listen times to the 90's jam while I'm prepping myself for work.  I decided make it  5 days a week gym and TRX.  Its better if I blow off steam there to be productive and not mope around.  i have to keep myself busy especially when I'm at home just a few breaks and I will work my ass off.  At least I will be earning twice as much especially its the holidays.  And I'm not sure if i will have a bonus from my boss.

My birthday is coming up soon. Mom asked me about my plans.. I told her that I want to disappear for a while.  She just replied " sometimes its sad that you don't have a boyfriend"  ... i just fell silent.  of course she doesn't know.. I'm not dumb enough to tell her that "I dont have a boyfriend mom but as of the moment I'm having a hard time and that is far from what I want right now.  I can t even handle the friends with benefits thing, i wont be able to handle a real relationship now.  i dont know if i will be able to invest my feelings again"

With that, it makes me even more determine to keep up and be fit.  Like they say, the best revenge is to make them regret it what they lost.  Everyday.. Im motivating myself to smile.  I haven't smiled for real in a while.  Sometimes I forgot how to feel that genuine happiness.  that automatic smile plastered across my face fools me like everyone.

Motivated and determined to reach my goal.  I dont want to gain weight with all these depression stuff.. i've been stopping myself from eating chocolates.. i ate 3 bars yesterday.. and 3 packs of m&ms a day before that. And this is not healthy.. i dont want to be 145lbs again.  i had worked hard to reach 98lbs and plateaued at 110.  maybe 115 lbs right now.. but still I want to have a tight abs. and its a challenge because its the holidays! Food is here!! ^_^..

see. im trying to be amusing here.. find a reason to smile.. depression is eating me up and i want to get rid of it.

Do for now i will be busy with this.. =D

i love to burn it!  the only exercise I love to do!
Almost one and a half month plus more to go!

Stumbled

I got these pics from a cool blog.. got inspired by the images she posted.. and I wanted to post them here too. :) (http://littlefaeriegirl.blogspot.com/)

sometimes it only takes a few words to comfort a broken heart

Adele: Turning Tables

Close enough to start a war

All that I have is on the floor

God only knows what we're fighting for

All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me

No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me

I can't give you, what you think you give me

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh

Where love is lost, your ghost is found

I braved a hundred storms to leave you

As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no

I won't ask you, you to just desert me

I can't give you, what you think you give me

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Turning tables

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior

When the thunder calls for me

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior

Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no

I won't ask you, you to just desert me

I can't give you, what you think you give me

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

To turning tables

Turning tables, yeah

Turning ohh

Christina Perri : Jar of Hearts

No I can’t take one more step towards you

Cause all that’s waiting is regret

And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don’t come back for me

Who do you think you are

I hear your asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don’t come back for me

Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I would have missed the first time that we kissed

Cause you broke all your promises

And now your back

You don’t get to get me back

And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don’t come back for me

Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are

Day 5: contemplating and I am weak

I was awaken by the sound of my phone.  As a habit I usually place it beside my pillow.  I don't usually hear it buzz when ever I get a message, i just automatically reach for it knowing that I have a pending message unread.  For 3 days I received none and today there is one message from a sender that i don't know whether i should reply or not. You probably know the answer from the title.

I had contemplated for several minutes if I should or shouldn't reply.

I talked to mom yesterday about it.  She knew something was wrong for several days now and she doesn't want to ask me about it since she is preoccupied with her problems too.  I asked for an advice.  she told me if we are completely friends, its okay that we experience a rough spot.  if i was really a friend, i should act like one and not count why he didnt did this to me and we didnt do that.  It all boils down to me on what kind of a friend I am.  I have been disappointed by friends before, should I act the same? Should I not be there for him just because he wasnt there for me too?  My mom asked a pretty good damn question!  if you consider each other friend and they act like jerks to you would you do the same?

It got me thinking, what kind of a friend am i? Ive said before that i will never let anybody feel they way I felt with my friends.  i dont want to be a disappointment, but it made me wonder too why i dont have the best best friend? The one that most people have, your confidant.  Maybe I was making things difficult? Maybe I was the one with the problem,  i got 2 friends from college and we've been always close but at the same time I feel like the third wheel.  i was never included and always the second choice. They said "sometimes being friends with me made them feel like they are indebted to me." What the fuck does that mean?  i stopped talking to them this year.  maybe once in a while but I stopped talking to friends and people I know.

 it feels like year 2000 again.  2 years Ii hid myself from everybody i know.  i go to school, but they hardly see me.  I changed my schedule and completely avoided any social contact.  I took the afternoons off so i can go home and watch DVDs only to return it the next day.  I got a lot of coupons from that store.  And this year, im almost at my 6th month avoiding people.

Anyway I know why he text me on the 4th day.  he only said he is now cured from tantrums and we could be friends again.  The same question burned in my head "What kind of a friend am I?" I am the jealous type. I want what is mine will only be mine.  Every time i see that bracelet i want to tear his fucking head off! an I want this pain in me to stop.  Am i gonna be the same kind of friend he is?  i have to set my boundaries when it comes to him.

i am weak. i replied. but it will never be the same.  i am a tainted glass, scared and numb.  I now know where i should be in his life. and I'm going to live mine apart from him.  If he needs  a friend, then ok.. I am that friend he needs, but no more benefits. Unless he would take that bracelet off. That bracelet will be my constant reminder that i need to say "NO".  i will be there when he needs me,  that is the kind of friend I am, but i will look for my comfort else where. i will find a different friend for me who is willing to share all the same things with me and laugh about it when i mess up. he or she might be out there. who knows.

But I am still trying to move on and daily picking up the pieces.  at least now on day 5 i have found some meaning on how i can push myself apart from these so-called "my friends."