Day 6: Determined

Its Friday madness.. so i just listen times to the 90's jam while I'm prepping myself for work.  I decided make it  5 days a week gym and TRX.  Its better if I blow off steam there to be productive and not mope around.  i have to keep myself busy especially when I'm at home just a few breaks and I will work my ass off.  At least I will be earning twice as much especially its the holidays.  And I'm not sure if i will have a bonus from my boss.

My birthday is coming up soon. Mom asked me about my plans.. I told her that I want to disappear for a while.  She just replied " sometimes its sad that you don't have a boyfriend"  ... i just fell silent.  of course she doesn't know.. I'm not dumb enough to tell her that "I dont have a boyfriend mom but as of the moment I'm having a hard time and that is far from what I want right now.  I can t even handle the friends with benefits thing, i wont be able to handle a real relationship now.  i dont know if i will be able to invest my feelings again"

With that, it makes me even more determine to keep up and be fit.  Like they say, the best revenge is to make them regret it what they lost.  Everyday.. Im motivating myself to smile.  I haven't smiled for real in a while.  Sometimes I forgot how to feel that genuine happiness.  that automatic smile plastered across my face fools me like everyone.

Motivated and determined to reach my goal.  I dont want to gain weight with all these depression stuff.. i've been stopping myself from eating chocolates.. i ate 3 bars yesterday.. and 3 packs of m&ms a day before that. And this is not healthy.. i dont want to be 145lbs again.  i had worked hard to reach 98lbs and plateaued at 110.  maybe 115 lbs right now.. but still I want to have a tight abs. and its a challenge because its the holidays! Food is here!! ^_^..

see. im trying to be amusing here.. find a reason to smile.. depression is eating me up and i want to get rid of it.

Do for now i will be busy with this.. =D

i love to burn it!  the only exercise I love to do!
Almost one and a half month plus more to go!

Stumbled

I got these pics from a cool blog.. got inspired by the images she posted.. and I wanted to post them here too. :) (http://littlefaeriegirl.blogspot.com/)

sometimes it only takes a few words to comfort a broken heart

Day 5: contemplating and I am weak

I was awaken by the sound of my phone.  As a habit I usually place it beside my pillow.  I don't usually hear it buzz when ever I get a message, i just automatically reach for it knowing that I have a pending message unread.  For 3 days I received none and today there is one message from a sender that i don't know whether i should reply or not. You probably know the answer from the title.

I had contemplated for several minutes if I should or shouldn't reply.

I talked to mom yesterday about it.  She knew something was wrong for several days now and she doesn't want to ask me about it since she is preoccupied with her problems too.  I asked for an advice.  she told me if we are completely friends, its okay that we experience a rough spot.  if i was really a friend, i should act like one and not count why he didnt did this to me and we didnt do that.  It all boils down to me on what kind of a friend I am.  I have been disappointed by friends before, should I act the same? Should I not be there for him just because he wasnt there for me too?  My mom asked a pretty good damn question!  if you consider each other friend and they act like jerks to you would you do the same?

It got me thinking, what kind of a friend am i? Ive said before that i will never let anybody feel they way I felt with my friends.  i dont want to be a disappointment, but it made me wonder too why i dont have the best best friend? The one that most people have, your confidant.  Maybe I was making things difficult? Maybe I was the one with the problem,  i got 2 friends from college and we've been always close but at the same time I feel like the third wheel.  i was never included and always the second choice. They said "sometimes being friends with me made them feel like they are indebted to me." What the fuck does that mean?  i stopped talking to them this year.  maybe once in a while but I stopped talking to friends and people I know.

 it feels like year 2000 again.  2 years Ii hid myself from everybody i know.  i go to school, but they hardly see me.  I changed my schedule and completely avoided any social contact.  I took the afternoons off so i can go home and watch DVDs only to return it the next day.  I got a lot of coupons from that store.  And this year, im almost at my 6th month avoiding people.

Anyway I know why he text me on the 4th day.  he only said he is now cured from tantrums and we could be friends again.  The same question burned in my head "What kind of a friend am I?" I am the jealous type. I want what is mine will only be mine.  Every time i see that bracelet i want to tear his fucking head off! an I want this pain in me to stop.  Am i gonna be the same kind of friend he is?  i have to set my boundaries when it comes to him.

i am weak. i replied. but it will never be the same.  i am a tainted glass, scared and numb.  I now know where i should be in his life. and I'm going to live mine apart from him.  If he needs  a friend, then ok.. I am that friend he needs, but no more benefits. Unless he would take that bracelet off. That bracelet will be my constant reminder that i need to say "NO".  i will be there when he needs me,  that is the kind of friend I am, but i will look for my comfort else where. i will find a different friend for me who is willing to share all the same things with me and laugh about it when i mess up. he or she might be out there. who knows.

But I am still trying to move on and daily picking up the pieces.  at least now on day 5 i have found some meaning on how i can push myself apart from these so-called "my friends."

Day 4: Missing You

Disappointed? with myself?  Yes.  I wanted another outcome from what i did yesterday.  I guess its too much to hope for, but I knew that it would turn out this way.  i know how his head works and sad to say I was expecting a little bit more than that.  Today is another long day.  No matter how I try to busy myself with work so I don't want to think about him, hide my phone, watch DVDs to keep my mind off things, but nothing is working.  Once in a while I found myself crying out of the blue. And i know this is getting way too pathetic.

What can i do? I love the guy.. unfortunately he didn't feel the dame.. i have the right to wallow at least for a week before picking up the pieces.  Its easy to say that he's not worth it. He doesn't care about you as much but he was once worth it, and he did care sincerely. I've seen who he was, not this over vainly guy who is getting way over his head and will only talk to me when he feels like it.  

I know while you're reading this, you're saying.. wake up! you're delusional.. men are all the same. He is not worth all of you. he doesn't even deserve you so why shed the tears, why long for him to come home? Why? Don't you think I ask the same questions? Don't you think i constantly ask myself why I was not enough?

But I don't know the answer.  I've been asking myself over and over again and I know I deserve better.. i knew better..and i will be alright. but its easier said than done.

I feel I'm ripping apart.  I can still smell his perfume, i know how he laughs, I can still picture it in my head.  I still remember those times when we;ll just do a joyride with only little money in our pockets.  When were only happy with the little things we had. Ride a bus for two hours just to buy fish-ball at the last bus stop.  The times where we just talk until the wee hours of the morning.  Those memories are not easy to erase.  

What I miss the most is our friendship. NOT the Lover kind.  The one where we used to tell each other everything without judgement.  I miss that friend who I spend the time talking at the side of the road even though 3 hours after I will report at work.  i miss that friend who was willing to listen to me.. my friend who was fun and made me smile, the one who made me feel that its okay to be different.  its okay to be weird.  its okay that i don't get things sometimes and we'll just laugh about it.  that friend and not the lover.

But then again that's too much to ask..

its kinda hard when you're all alone with no one to support you because basically no one knows what you're going through. You're so-called friends don't have any clue or even the ones you live with, your family thought everything is alright.  I was thinking.. it would be a poetic justice if Im gone during my birthday.  Everybody will be happy.

Day 3: Motivated

This morning i decided to end it all.  Damn all consequences, I will not waver from my decision and end it even if it means I will lose everything.  But come to think of it I already lost everything, whats a little bit more.  The first thing I wanted back was to gain control.  i sent a text in the wee hours of the morning knowing that is the first thing he will read when he wakes up.  I know about all the cliche's breaking up using text but were not breaking up.. were not even in a relationship.  It was just a symbol of me taking charge of what I really wanted.  

Freedom

Freedom from everything.  I got a lot in my mind and giving him a piece of that was a big step for me.  the fact that he knows for sure that i wont be able to say no and I wont be able to say goodbye is something he doesn't expect. I need to do what needs to be done.  Were friends with benefits and i don't even get any benefits for that matter.  So why I held on after all this time? I fell. Hard. Foolishly. Blindly.

And everything was so easy.. I thought I was happy then it begin toiling down to a burden.  I knew it from the start.  I was just foolish enough to risk it even though I knew in the end I will end up in the loosing end.

So I refuse to be the loosing end.  If he doesn't appreciate me and everything I did was not even remotely enough for him them then I will convince myself that it is his loss.  He had everything going in good on him. I was there when he was down when no one wanted him because he had no money, his friends left him, he had no job, he was a mess.  But like a lost puppy I gave in, accepted him for who he is and help him pick up the pieces until he became on top of his game.  But people can be blinded with the little success they have.  he can choose now whoever he wanted and they will be on their knees for him. Then I was out of the picture.  so much for that!

I am now motivated to free myself from this misery. 1 year, although not every moment of it was hell.  After 3 months we sadly went cold and i should have known, from that moment on we went downhill and i was just too foolish to pick it up even though there was no way to go but down.

i am planning to take a vacation.  Once I saved up enough money I can go for a 3 days trip alone in a place where no one knew me. maybe a beach maybe a resort, far away from here. Drink wine, read a book, lose myself from all that is anchoring me down.  Have a different number, no cellphones, if i can no work too. just me a beach or a pool a book, my laptop and a time  for me.

I'm intensifying my workout at the gym. instead of just TRX, every Tuesday and Thursday I can have a 2 hours cardio-vascular  exercise, or walk my dog.  I'm gonna make sure that if ever we will see each other again he will regret it.  I'm taking back all the luck that I had with with when we are together.  I'm taking everything.. one by one.. i'll probably start from the job.. lets see how he can pick up the pieces.

I know its bitchy and pathetic..but in fact i don't have to do anything at all. i will just have to wait patiently.